The Witch King of Angmar
by my-limes-hurt-me
Summary: I suck at this. Anyways, this is all about an ordinary day in the life of the Witch King.
1. The task from Sauron

The Witch King of Angmar (Mango flavoured, to be exact.)

Summary: The lord of the Nazgul has a special task appointed to him by Sauron. This is his story.

"Brrring! Brrring!"

The ringing sound of a telephone was heard throughout the Dead City, home of the Witch King of Angmar, lord of the Nazgul.

Unforunetly for him, he was in the shower, preparing for the search of the ring.

"Brrring! Brrring!"

"WILL SOMEBODY GET THAT? IM IN THE BLOODY SHOWER!"

No one answered.

"Brrring!"

"Oh, fine! I'll be right there! Just when I finally had the chance to take a darn shower, I have to get interrupted by a telephone! Why did I invest in this new sort of technology? Whoever is on the other end is going to get it, for sure."

The Witch King stopped his useless ranting since no one was around to listen, and stepped out of the shower. Quickly wrapping a towel around his waist, he answered the phone.

"How dare you interrupt my shower! If you were under my foot right now, I'd squish you int-"

"It is I, Sauron. What in the devil are you talking about?"

"NOTHING, MY LORD! Nothing at all!"

The Witch King, although you can not see him, blushed furiously. Why did he just speak to Sauron in such a matter?

"Good. I have a task for you. We'll have to save the ring searching for later."

"Put off the ring search? This must be very important then!"

"Yes, it is. I want ice cream. Mango flavoured, to be exact."

The Witch King stuck his fingers into his ears as to clear it of ear wax. Did he just hear Sauron, the great and mighty powerful Sauron ask for...ice cream?(Mango, to be exact.)

"Pardon? I didnt catch that."

"Mango ice cream."

"Oh...erm. M-may I ask why?"

"Well, it's really quite simple. I woke up this morning with a burning sensation in my cornea. I have an infection. I asked the only orc in Mordor with half a brain to reccomend something to soothe it. He said mango ice cream is the only cure."

"Are you sure? I mean, I know a great doctor out in Mirkwo-"

"SILENCE! I WANT MANGO ICE CREAM! And be back around 4 o'clock, I want to be nice and comfy to watch the Tyra show. She's so fierce!"

"Alright, I'll get right on it."

The Witch King set the phone down, then slumped to the floor. Where in Middle Earth was he supposed to find ice cream? Mango flavoured, to be exact. He wasn't even sure what mangos were. Supposedly he could make them himself...Nah, he wasn't much of a cook. Neither were any of the other Nazgul. They always had to steal from Shelob's cave.

The Witch King sighed. He was going to have to find ice cream(Mango flavoured, to be exact.) whether he liked it or not.

"Hmmm, now should I take the horse, or the dragon?"


	2. Tom and Gollum

The Witch King of Angmar

The lord of the Nazgul was pondering his new task. Many questions were before him. Where would he find this mango ice cream? Who should he ask for directions? What is a mango? Should he take the horse or the dragon? Who is Tyra Banks? They were endless.

The Witch King huffed and scurried off to his bedroom and sat in front of his vanity desk. It was cluttered with junk, pictures, even a Mars Bar wrapper. The Witch King sure loved his Mars Bars. He scanned his desk for something.

There it was!

The Witch King picked up his trusty telephone book, with memories scribbled all over it. He used it in his 10th year at Mordor High.

"HEY MR KING, U R A QT!"

"Yo, Witchy, call me sometime and we can go get stoned!"

The Witch King smiled. He remembered his high school years oh so well...

Back on subject. He needed some idea's from old pals.

"Hmm... let's see. Who should I call...? Oh, yes! Tom!

Tom and the Witch King were best of pals back when they were in an orphanage together, before the Witch King was adopted by Sauron. They met again later during the summer break after he Witch Kings 11th year. He was doing well, getting rather good grades and even had a girlfriend named Susanne.

The Witch King dialed Tom's number and waited.

"Brrring! Brr- Hello, this is Lord Voldemort."

"...Tom?"

" May I ask who is speaking?"

"It's me, the Witch King."

"OH HELLO, Witchy ol' pal! Im sorry, you'll have to call me back. Im in the middle of a spell right no- AARRRRRGGHHHHHHHH!"

"What happened? What is it? Are you ok?"

"THANKS A LOT WITCHY! The spell backfired due to the cellphone in the room. I was trying to curse this little black haired, green eyed baby. Now I've been smothered into 238910650136503650138765 pieces while the little monster gets away with a scar. A SCAR! Sorry, but you're going to have to call me back in about 11 years. Later."

Tom hang up the phone. The Witch King was rather distraught. He caused a great deal of pain for his friend. He was going to have to call someone else.

"Brrring! Brr- Hellosssss, who might be ssspeaking to ussss?"

The Witch King had called Gollum, who wasn't really a friend at all. But when you're about 10 feet tall, dressed in black, and have only taken about 3 showers in your entire life, you'll only end up with about 2 guys who would want to be around you.

"Oh, um. Hi. It's me, the Witch King. Would you mind answering some questions for me? Im in a bit of a pickle."

"Ohhh, oh, yess, yess of courssseess. We'd be glad to help our friendsss, wont we?"

The Witch King rolled his eyes.

"Uh, sure. Ok, first question. Where can I find mango ice cream?"

"Oh, in the Ssssshire. A nicccce boy named Frodo Bagginsssss can whip us up a batch, yesss."

"Second question. Who can I ask for directions?"

"Oh, asssk anyone you sssee. Do not be shys, and they will not be shys to you."

"Third. What in Middle Earth is a mango?"

"A fruit."

Well, that certainly made sense. Sauron liked fruit.

"Um, fourth. Should I take the horse or the dragon?"

"We sayss the horssse, yesss, that iss what we sayss."

"Hmm. Alright, last question before I set off. Who is Tyra Banks?"

Gollum screamed, and unfortunetly for the Witch King, he screamed right into the reciever.

"Oh, what did you have to bloody scream for? Im the second scariest guy around and Im sure Sauron didnt pop into your little cave for a morning 'Lets scare Gollum!'."

"Ohh, our missstakes. You ssseeeeeee, Tyra Banksss, ssshheeee issss a nasssty woman, yesssss. Very...fiercccceee."

"Well, I know she's fierce already. But I dont really scare anymore, it's almost lunchtime and I need to be off soon. Good day!"

"Waaiiiit!"

"Oh, what is it now?"

"You musssst be very careful of thisss Banksss woman. We warnsss you of her, we warnsss you!"

The Witch King hung up the phone, he was tired of Gollums creepy speech impedement.

"So, it's off the the Shire on my horse to see Frodo Baggins about this mango ice cream. Well, let's hope this works out."

And so the Witch King rode off from his home, and we shall picksss up the piecesss of the ssstory in the next chapter, wont we, my preccccioussss?


	3. A new devilry

The Witch King of Angmar

So we left off with the Witch King leaving his home to find Frodo Baggins of the Shire and attain mango ice cream for Sauron before 4 o'clock.

Now, he was to take his horse. The horse's name was Bonzo, named after John Bonham of Led Zeppelin. The Witch King loved to rock out to their music.

Anyways, Bonzo was a very special horse. He could talk! And he was smart. Smarter than anyone in Middle Earth. Unfortunetly, no one believed that he was, so it resulted in the Witch King ignoring Bonzo's advice and always getting into bad situations. Much like the one that you will see today.

PS The Witch King loves his horse a little too much...

"Alright Bonzo, looks like today we're on a journey to find ma-"

"I know already, the stable is right next to the phone."

"Bonzo, you know the rules about interrupting Mummy! Now, we are going to find a nice boy named Frodo who will give us some mango ice cream for Dadd- I mean, Sauron..."

"It's ok, I know about your affair with Sauron."

"My silly baby, you've been watching too much Maury! Knowing what an affair is, my goodness, horses these days!"

Bonzo rolled his eyes.

"Whatever."

After that little conversation, the Witch King and Bonzo set out for the Shire. Already lost, Bonzo convinced the Witch King to stop and ask for directions in Osgiliath. First he asked an old man.

"Sorry to bother you sir, but Im looki-"

"AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

The old man ran away.

"How rude!"

The Witch King then recognized someone familiar. Why, it was Faramir! Oh, how he longed for the day that he could speak to Faramir! The Witch King fancied him.

"Faramir! He-"

"NAZGUL! NAZGUL! FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES!"

Everyone in Osgiliath left and ran back to Minas Tirith. All but Faramir.

"Today is the day that I destroy you! Be gone once and for all, you evil demon thing, you!"

The Witch King's feelings were hurt! He was in love with Faramir and now...now he...he hated the Witch King!

"You evil demon thing, you! Evil! Evil! Evil! Evil demon! Demon! Demon! Demon evil! Evil!"

Faramir's rambling carried on like this for a few minutes. The Witch King fell asleep. But Bonzo kept his lookout, and to his horror...

"Witch King, Witch King! Wake up! It's her! IT'S HER!"

"It's who?"

"HER! The one they always talk about! You-know-who!"

"...Susanne?"

"No, not Susanne!"

"Sweetie Bonzy Bo, I dont know what you're talking about. But it's best we ask someone else for advice, Faramir seems to be skipping."

They left Osgiliath and Faramir behind. The words "Evil" and "Demon" quickly faded away. But someone followed.

"Witchy, we're being followed."

"No, we aren't, pookie bear! You're just silly!"

"Whatever."

The Witch King rode Bonzo into an orchird of apple trees. The air became rather thick with, not fog, but makeup powder?"

The Witch King jumped off of Bonzo.

"What is this new devilry?"

There was silence. Then, all of a sudden, about 43989875369234587620346329587610876495872436758340651837465 lights turned on!

Someone started to snap their fingers in a profound ghetto way.

"Muhahahaha to YOU, GIRL!"


	4. Philip

The Witch King of Angmar

"Do you know when he's going to wake, Bonzo? I mean, that apple must have really knocked him out."

"Im not sure, but it better be soon. When Faramir said he was going to attack him, I didnt think he would use an apple."

The Witch King slowly opened his eyes. "Where am I?"

Bonzo and an unfamiliar horse came into view.

"WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS THAT WOMAN?"

"Errr." Bonzo kicked at the ground. "You mean Tyra?"

"YES!" Witchy sprung up and pulled out his dagger.

To his surprise, Bonzo and the other horse flipped onto their backs and started laughing.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That wasn't really Tyra! It was Philip here, playing a joke on you!"

The Witch King sat down in confusion. "Philip?"

The stranger horse stuck out his hoove, as if he expected the Witch King to shake it. As if.

"That would be me. Im an old friend of Bonzo's. I've been recently overseas in a country called Narnia, working with a troubled king named Edmund. Fortunetly, he disappeared into a place they call 'Spare Oom', and I was sent back here. Bonzo told me that you needed to lighten up a bit since this task is a little hard for you."

The Witch King was offended. "Hard? For moi? Why, I can do anything, and without your help! What time is it Bonzo?"

Bonzo checked his watch. "It's noon. You have about 4 hours left to get that ice cream."

"AAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!"

And so, the Witch King, Bonzo, and their half new friend, half old friend, Philip, went on their journey to find ice cream(Mango flavoured, to be exact.)

Suddenly(They've only been walking for about 3 seconds), they came to a fork in the road.

"Which way should we go?"

Philip read the sign. "Well, it says to go left if you want to go to the Shire, and right to fall into an evil trap that could ever possibly stall you from arriving at Sauron's place at 4 o'clock with the ice cream."

The Witch King pondered this.

"We're going right."

Bonzo and Philip were astounded. "Are you serious?"

Witchy laughed. "Of course! Didn't you know? Left...stands for loser! And right, is, well, right!"

Bonzo sighed. "I can't believe I got myself into this mess."

Philip also sighed. "I can't believe I let Edmund out of my sight!"


End file.
